~Chapter 2~

Keith knew that the only way Derek was going to earn any money was if he got a new job. Unfortunately, Derek had only one known talent, which would have to be the basis of all work he applied for. Derek's one talent was fast-forwarding exciting scenes on movies, and he prided himself on his remote handling techniques. He often invited the family of pineapples from next door over to watch his extraordinary talent, but sadly, everytime he called, Mr Pineapple had just died and Mrs Pineapple and their 3 children had to go to his funeral. Mr Pineapple used to sneak out of his own funeral when no one was looking to come and watch Derek, but Mrs Pineapple caught him once, and he never came back again.
Keith wondered what sort of career would require fast-forwarding techniques on exciting parts of movies. Then it came to him... early childhood care! All mothers wanted to leave their children in the care of a man who wouldn't let them watch anything that displayed violence, emotional music or close up shots of peoples eyes! To reward himself for his sharp thinking, Keith flushed himself down the toilet.
Two months later, Keith returned to Derek's apartment in erotic southern Kent, to find Derek in a state of despair.
"What's up old bean?" said Keith.
"Oh my orange's trousers, why? WHY?
"Eh?"
"I've just realised what a stupid name for a goldfish Keith is!"
"Yes, yes. I knew that, why do you think a good looking fish like me doesn't have a girlfriend?
"You're not good looking, you're bald and suffer from acne. EW."
"Firstly, raisins find baldness attractive. Secondly, its not acne, its dandruff."
"So you're into raisins?"
"No..... I'm just saying that they do."
Derek shaved his eyebrows off.
"Well if you say so, I'm headed for the Raisin Roofs Nightclub. You coming?"
"No."
"I'll bring you home a hot raisin."
"OK. Make sure its not a sultana."
"See that's your problem. You're too picky."
And with that, Derek poured a bottle of vinegar over his head and sauntered out of the room, singing the titanic theme song.
Keith briefly wondered if Derek was right. Nah. If he was picky, he wouldn't have gone out with Ron, the sealion from upstairs. Keith blew a bubble and sat down at Derek's kitchen table to think over what he was going to do about Derek. He picked up a newspaper and flicked through to the job section. His eyes settled on a small advertisement in the top right corner.
Is your carpet talking to you? When you walk on it, does it complain and try to trip you up? If so, you need to call The Reading Plumbing Society. We promise to........'
NO! He must not get distracted! Keith found another advert, and dialled a number.
"Good morning Wilbur." Chimed a posh, breezy, lady's voice.
"Hello?" mumbled Keith into the phone.
"Have you got anything to say Wilbur, or are you just calling to check if you're still breathing?"
"Um. Hi I'm calling about the job in the paper?"
"But Wilbur, you live here? How are you supposed to look after the children if you live in the same house as them?"
"See, there's your problem. I'm not Wilbur."
There was a pause on the end of the line.
"Ahh."
Another pause.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Oh well thats probably because I'm Wilbur."
"Yes. That would explain it."
"Mmm."
"Is it short for anything?"
"No. Why?"
"Its just that... Well... You sound rather..."
"Feminine? Yes I get that a lot when people find out my name. I don't see why. Wilbur is a unisex name."
"Of course."
"So you're calling about the job?"
"Yes, but not for me, it's for..."
"DING DONG"
"Um, its for my friend."
"I absolutely agree, but aren't you a little young to be having friends?"
"Am I?"
"I'll let you off this time." Wilbur sighed. "Well I need someone to look after my daughter every second."
"Every second what?"
"Every second or she will die."
"Ah."
"I presume your friend has proficient medical knowledge?"
Keith had a split-second decision to make. Wilbur's daughter's life, or a new fish-bowl? The choice was easy.
"Yes, of course. He used to be a fully qualified specialist with his own practise in Los Angeles before he was promoted to a postman in Kent"
"Oh that's wonderful! My husband is a surgeon, but he has always wanted to be a postman!"
"Derek is a hard worker, that's for sure."
Meanwhile, Derek was demonstrating his fast-forwarding skills to a group of gorgeous giggling raisins, while downing 7 bottles of Belgium rum in 7 minutes. Oh the joys of multi-tasking.