Chapter 3

Keith hung up the phone half way through Wilbur's rendition of 99 Red Balloons to the tune of Cars by Gary Numan, and raced back to Derek's apartment as fast as a goldfish with 3 stomach ulsers could.
"Derek!"
Derek emerged from the cupboard under the sink dressed in a paper towel and a rubber glove.
"Yes?"
"How many times to I have to tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"How brilliant I am!"
"Twice a day would be plenty."
"I'M BRILLIANT!" Keith whacked Derek over the head with a pie slice.
"OK, I've changed my mind, just once a month will suffice." Derek stammered while shoving his arm down the waste disposal unit to relieve the pain.
"Well aren't you going to ask me why I'm brilliant?"
"Will the answer involve inflicting mindless violence on me?"
"We'll see."
"Well OK then, why are you so brilliant?"
"I have got you a job in early childhood care with a girl who needs constant medical attention, and who is the daughter of a mentally deranged woman named Wilbur!"
It was then that Keith realised his mistake, and he shoved the next door neighbours cat down Derek's throat, along with Derek's favourite pair of fluro yellow tights.

The next day was suspiciously bright and several warm breezes stopped to say hello to Keith and Derek as they made their way to Wilbur's house. Keith ignored them, but Derek was in a good mood and managed to get the number of one of the breezes named Katherine. This annoyed Keith further, as his coffee bean girlfriend, Claire, had just dumped him for a suitcase named Phil, and Keith could not work out what Phil had that he hadn't. Sure Phil had zips, and folded down for easy storage, but that was nothing considering Keith's charms and flexible joints.
As Keith pondered these facts, and was wondering if he should send the question in as a topic for an episode of Russell Brand's Ponderland, Derek stopped outside a small ham coloured townhouse named 'Kaitlin'. Keith followed Derek up the footpath while muttering, and Derek rang the doorbell. The door was opened by a slice of bread.
"Good morning." Said the bread.
"Heya, I've come about the job looking after Wilbur's daughter. I'm Derek."
"Ah Derek, come in, Wilbur said you'd be arriving. Who are you?" The slice of bread turned to Keith.
"I'm a depressed goldfish who is unlucky in love and would like nothing better than to become a gardener and impale myself on a rose bush."
"Oh yes, Wilbur mentioned you too, come in."
Derek and Keith followed the slice of bread into the house and into a large room with pictures of carrots covering every wall, and toothpicks sticking out of the carpet.
"OWWW" Yelled Keith, as he caught his fin on a toothpick.
"Yeah that happened to me when I first moved here." Said the slice of bread. "My name's Eric by the way. I'll call Wilbur for you." Eric waddled out of the room, leaving Keith and Derek stepping awkwardly over toothpicks and trying to get images of carrots out of their minds. They looked as each other and Derek started to speak.
"So Keith, you know that word you used to describe yourself the other day, what was it again? Ah yes, brilliant. Are you sure you didn't mean so stupidly delusional that people mistake you for a turnip?"
Keith picked up a sofa and threw it at Derek.